youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
