battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize