its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
