....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
