I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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