when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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