I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
