he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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