Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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