i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
