I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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