How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize