When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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