I could make wine with my vomit
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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