how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
