my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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