Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
