we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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