first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
