He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
