I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
