why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
