Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
