You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Hippo gnu deer
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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