im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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