About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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