So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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