please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
