I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
