You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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