Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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