There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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