Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
