She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
