Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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