Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
