Will you blow on my dice?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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