Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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