she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize