my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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