Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
