Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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