Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
