He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
