my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize