I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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