Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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