sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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