we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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