I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
