I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
