cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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