I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
