Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
