i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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