My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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