this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's blow job season.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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