So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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