i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize