dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How naked do you want me to be?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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