If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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