You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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